How To Fight Victim Mindset In Motherhood

This is a big one, y’all. It’s a topic that comes up in conversations all of the time with fellow Mamas. How do we fight victim mindset in motherhood?

It feels like there can be a tension between caring for your family and household while maintaining your joy and peace. In fact, I’d say it’s more like a battle than a tension most of the time…

Why Are Moms More Likely To Fall Into “Victim Mindset?”

Photo Credit: Traci Whitworth Photography

What is it about motherhood that makes us more prone to bitterness and victim mindset? Here are a few reasons that I thought of:

1) Consistently Serving The Needs Of Others Above Yourself

I can’t think of another job where almost every minute of every day you put your needs behind the needs of someone else. (This is especially in the early years of parenting). Even in the most sacrificial of occupations, you’re normally able to snag a bathroom break without being interrupted. This can lead to bitterness if we let it. Or we can let God USE it as an opportunity to form us more into a person who looks like Jesus. Here’s what the Bible has to say about being a servant:

Matthew 23:11-12

“The greatest among you shall be your servant.Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”

Mark 10:43-45

” But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

It seems pretty clear that all Christians are called to serve the people around them. Parenting seems to be one of the few opportunities where there are continual opportunities to demonstrate this kind of servant-hearted nature. While serving others and putting yourself second is immensely difficult, it’s also a gift the Lord has given us. Motherhood can be used to form us into someone who lives and loves like Jesus does.

If you talk to most moms, they’ll tell you that the thing that has stretched them the most and shown them the extent of their sinfulness more than anything else is raising their sweet kiddos.

2) Raising Children Takes Immense Amounts of Physical, Emotional, And Mental Energy

Woo, if you want a boot camp in patient endurance while also getting a workout, motherhood may be the job for you! There’s a unique combination of physical, emotional, and mental challenges that can put us at risk for victim mindset in motherhood. Mostly because we’re worn out! Doesn’t everything seem more difficult when you’re tired?

But, although fatigue may be present, these same physical, emotional, and mental challenges are what will make you STRONGER. In the same way that easy workouts don’t make for a strong human, an easy life doesn’t make for an emotionally and spiritually strong individual. While it may seem like you’re getting knocked down more than you’re able to get back up, God is doing a MIGHTY work in you to strengthen your relationship with Him and build your fortitude as a believer in Christ!

3) Moms Can Be Isolated From Other Adults During The Day

While this varies depending on if you’re a full-time SAHM, part-time SAHM, or full-time working mom, there are aspects of motherhood that can be isolating. Mainly because you lose some flexibility and freedom when you’re a mom. Actually, it’s not always a bad thing! It can make you realize what’s important and where to best focus your time and energy.

The thing is. when we’re alone, it’s an opportune time for discouragement to set in and for us to start believing lies. Things like what we’re doing doesn’t matter, the work we’re doing isn’t appreciated, and the list goes on.

4) Moms Don’t Get To “Clock Out”

I saw something that said a mom works an equivalent of 2.5 jobs when you calculate all of the hours spent day and night caring for kiddos. The unpredictability of time to yourself when you thought your little one was going to nap or sleep through the night can be daunting. Sometimes, for me, the need to constantly be flexible and make adjustments to my goals for the day is the thing that can drain my energy the most.

5) I’m Not Actually Sure We Were Meant To Do This Alone

I’ve heard Jeff Bethke talk about how the Industrial Revolution changed the family unit dramatically and undoubtedly brought new and unique challenges to families. Before then, families worked the land and were together during the day. Children often helped mothers and/or fathers with tasks and chores. There were two parents present during the day. Some families have the luxury of having both parents at home for part or all of the day due to flexible work schedules or the ability to work from home, but this is usually the exception.

For some families, one parent travels frequently which causes one parent to carry more of the parenting and household load. I have a few friends that are single parents who face incredible challenges working full-time while raising children and caring for their household. It can make a HUGE difference just to have another adult who can offer some good conversation, a helping hand, or a laugh during a challenging parenting day.

6) Social Media And Peers Can Encourage This Mindset As A “Badge Of Honor”

Be careful who you allow to speak into your life, friend. There are people in your life who will speak a frankly unhealthy and anti-Biblical narrative into your motherhood. (In-person or online). Any encouragement to dwell on what some call the “burden” of motherhood is NOT going to be helpful. Acknowledge the challenges, but then follow that up with some serious gratitude for the gift it is to raise children. Raising tiny humans is a monumental task, especially if you’re trying to raise them to follow Jesus.

Shut out the voices that would constantly make you the victim in your story of motherhood. Listen to the ones who will empathize with the challenges, remind you of what’s true, and point you to Jesus. We aren’t actually the main character in this story. It’s all about Him, isn’t it? Self-pity isn’t going to do any of us any favors. You know that if you’ve embraced that mindset for any period of time. It’s simply going to hold us back from the life and calling God has for our lives.

7)The Rewards Are Often Long-Term, Not Short-Term

Credit goes to Alyssa Bethke for this thought. The fruit of consistent and intentional parenting sometimes doesn’t show up for months-years down the road. There is no instant gratification when it comes to investing in your kids. This may be why both men and women can sometimes find more fulfillment at work than in raising children and managing a home. There is often more praise and accomplishments in the short term in the workplace. Other people acknowledge your efforts and you’re even rewarded for them through gifts or raises. This isn’t the case when it comes to parenting.

Woo, I had more to say on that than I thought! So let’s get to the practical stuff.

How Do We Fight Victim Mindset In Motherhood, Then?

1. Believe and Acknowledge the Importance of Motherhood

You’re not going to find the majority culture praising and elevating the status of mothers. You’ll have to block out the noise and tell yourself what’s true. Training up children in every aspect of life is an IMMENSE privilege. Mothers and fathers are training up the next generation of people. The possibilities for what they will accomplish in the world are endless! A child who has an encouraging, supportive parent has been set up to succeed in immeasurable ways.

You as a mother hold an immense amount of responsibility when it comes to forming your children into the likeness of Christ. How is it that God has entrusted us with these little ones who bear His image? It honestly leaves me in awe when I think of it. Despite my flaws and failures, the Lord trusts me to teach these little ones to love Him and love others. What an important job!

2. Surround Yourself With Other Moms Who Will Help You Fight The Victim Mindset In Motherhood

Surround yourself with others moms who understand the calling of motherhood and fight to stay out of the victim mentality. While we may get stuck, we can’t live there. Find a mom who’s a stage or two ahead of you in life and who can speak life and hope into your mothering. I’m thankful for the moms who have done that for me!

If you can get a group of women together to study the Bible together, pray together, and encourage each other in your walk with Jesus, EVEN BETTER! If you need ideas for how to start a women’s Bible study group, read THIS ARTICLE.

3. Take Care Of Yourself

There’s a lot of pushback on the “self-care” trend in culture right now from the Christian community, but hear me out. I have found that when I fail to take care of myself, whether in the department of nutrition, rest, exercise, or spiritual health, I tend to fall into a victim mindset more often in my motherhood.

There will be times when you’re at a crossroads in your day. When you have a choice that looks something like choosing between a good meal and getting another task checked off your list. When you decide between spending time with God or getting the laundry done. You will pay for those choices with your mental and emotional health, trust me. We normally end up blaming our kids or spouse for the lack of time to care for ourselves. When in reality, we made small choices throughout the day that set us up for burnout and bitterness.

I wrote a way to do a weeklong reset to bring some rest and peace to your life. Check that out in THIS ARTICLE. Taking a weekly Sabbath has also been HUGE for staying in a good place spiritually, physically, and mentally. Check out How Our Family Does A Weekly Sabbath HERE.

4. Cling To Jesus

In my advent devotional this year, there was a day that focused on how Jesus is our REST and that’s exactly how we can fight victim mindset and burnout in motherhood. By leaning on Jesus to be our fuel, sustainer, and provider. Have you ever had those days where you’re so closely walking with Jesus that no matter HOW BAD or HOW HARD the day may be, you’re ok because of Him?

It’s amazing to me that depending on my spiritual state how well or how poorly I can handle challenges and difficulties, especially in motherhood.

We’ve got a few GREAT articles to help you get in the Word and stay close to Jesus this year. Make sure you check these out:

Scripture To Remember

Here are some verses to meditate on when you feel like you don’t have the strength to make it through your day. Scribble them down on a notecard and put them where you can see them throughout the day:

Psalm 62: 1-2

“I am at rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will never be shaken.”

Isaiah 40:28-31

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth. He never becomes faint or weary; there is no limit to his understanding. He gives strength to the faint and strengthens the powerless. Youths may stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not become weary; they will walk and not faint.”

Matthew 11: 28-30

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Praying these tips for how to fight victim mindset in motherhood are helpful for you!

My Favorite Parenting Resources

Here are a few of my favorite parenting resources to help you thrive in your motherhood this year!

I’m cheering you on as you parent today, friend! Praying many blessings over all of you Mamas today.

How To Fight Victim Mindset In Motherhood

Why Are Moms More Likely To Fall Into “Victim Mindset?”

1) Consistently Serving The Needs Of Others Above Yourself

2) Raising Children Takes Immense Amounts of Physical, Emotional, And Mental Energy