To The Girl Battling An Eating Disorder

I never thought I would be the girl battling an eating disorder…

It was a warm July evening. I was sitting in my bedroom reading a fiction book by a well-known Christian author. That’s when the idea to purge the dinner I had just eaten came to me. I was 15 and had only heard of eating disorders in textbooks before that day. Not as a ‘solution’ to difficulty as this book was unintentionally proposing. ​

My story is found in the 1 in 4 statistic that makes up the prevalence of eating disorders among high school and college-age women.​ I wish I could tell you I turned the page on that idea. That I never thought of it again. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

I decided to give it a go, purging what was left of my evening meal. That single purge was the stepping stone to a years-long battle with bulimia. As a sophomore in college things became even worse. I looked my own mother in the face and told her I didn’t care if I died. I didn’t care as long as I died a bulimic. ​

Maybe You’ve Battled An Eating Disorder, Too?

Eating disorders affect at least 9% of the world’s population. It’s an alarming statistic and one the Church must address and be equipped to handle. It can be difficult in communities of faith. We have set the standard to have a life free of sin and free of mental illness. Many suffer in silence, trying to get a grip on their disorder. All the while isolating themselves from the very people called to be the hands and feet of Jesus.​

If you too are “one in four” who battle an eating disorder, I want you to know something. Jesus doesn’t throw a “band-aid” on our problems and call it good. He does not expect us to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. He does not require that we become clean enough to follow Him on our own. This may be what we have been taught, but it is far from the truth of the Gospel message. ​

I See You

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I ‘see’ you. Standing in front of the mirror wondering when you will ever feel worthy. Wondering when you will measure up to the standards you’ve set for yourself. 

I ‘see’ you. Weighing every last piece of food that enters your mouth. Measuring your hips and waist, hoping something has changed from the last time you checked. 

I ‘see’ you counting all those steps, those calories, those minutes of exercise. Counting, always counting. I ‘see’ you overeating and forcing yourself to compensate through purging, restriction, or hours of exercise. ​

Dear one, I ‘see’ you using food to cover your brokenness. Turning to food because it’s the one thing that numbs the pain. Chances are, you know your approach to food has become a problem. But you have no idea how to change or even that you want to at this point.  

I see you because I was you. I was the girl who became curious about what an eating disorder was like and quickly fell down the rabbit hole. It’s as if you are Alice, tumbling down a deep dark abyss and cannot find a grip to pull yourself out. You fall into a world where up is down and down is up. Nothing makes sense and your disorder becomes that Cheshire cat always smiling at you, cheering you on, urging you to go deeper into the upside-down world that is your eating disorder.  If you dare to take a step towards health and recovery, you fear your disorder will pull you back into it’s world of chaos. 

God Sees You

But most importantly, God sees you. God created you in the depths of your mother’s womb, unique and dearly loved. ​

Psalm 139:14-16 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance;​ in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. ​

​God sees a girl with the perfect depth in her dimples and beautiful, bright eyes that He himself added the light to. He sees all of those parts that you hate about yourself and loves you all the more for them. He isn’t mad at you, His heart is breaking because His wonderfully made creation has been blinded from seeing her worth. God, the same God who created the blue-green of the ocean, the starry night sky and the tiniest of wildflowers also took careful intention in creating you. He has a purpose for your life. A purpose that goes beyond what your disorder tells you you have to live for.​

​1 Peter 2:9 says, “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.”  

Fight The Lies

I can hear her too. That disordered voice, even in reading this, wants to chain you to the belief of “everyone but me”. The lie goes something like this… “God created everyone else just so, but He messed up on me”. Girl, that is a lie from the pit of hell. God doesn’t make mistakes. You are perfectly loved just as you are.  

You have to fight and I know you’re tired, I know you think you’ve already given it all you’ve got but that’s simply not true. Get mad at your disorder. Get mad at the things it has stolen from you, the things it has lied to you about, and the ways it has changed your identity. You are a Child of the Living God worth so much more than you even realize.​

Matthew 6:25-29 says, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.”  

Your Eating Disorder Wants Your Life

Your eating disorder eventually wants your very life. God, not only loves you beyond your wildest imagination, but He also sent His Son to die for you, to give you life. ​

​John 3:16-17 says, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”  

You are strong enough to fight dear one! ​

Fight the good fight!     ​

About The Author

Amber is the wife of Lance and momma and to two precious growing boys. She and her family reside in Montana. In her ministry, Where Sparrows Sing, Amber encourages women in Biblical womanhood with special emphasis placed on: friendship, motherhood and Christian eating disorder recovery. In her free time she enjoys running, reading, traveling and drinking all the coffee!  Make sure you check out Amber’s podcast, too!

Helpful Resources If You’re Battling An Eating Disorder

1. 4 Ways To Help A Christian Friend With An Eating Disorder (Article by The Gospel Coalition)
2. Finding Balance (Instagram)