How To Be Exceptional Friends and Build Meaningful Relationships
I’ve had countless conversations the last few years about how complex finding good and reliable friends can be. There’s often unmet expectations and confusion involved. With how much pressure we are feeling from the world to “build your tribe” and have best friends, you may feel a little discouraged if you struggle to build friendships.
I’m a Christian, so one of my main resources for practical wisdom is found in the Bible. I love reading through books of the Bible, but every once in awhile I like to do a word study and see what God says about certain things.
That’s what I’m going to walk you through, here. We’re going to look at all of the guidance that the Bible gives us about friendship. We’ll look at any tips that can help us become better friends.
This is Part 1, which has recommendations for relationships in general. There was too much to include in one post, so there will be more to come down the road! My hope is that you can walk away with tools for how you can be a good friend and encourage you to deepen the friendships that you have. Let’s get to it!
1. Encourage Your Friends
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…”
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Some of you are naturally wired to be encouragers and coaches. That’s me, I can’t help it, it’s in my DNA.
This is a call to speak up and use your words to encourage your friends and speak life over them. We are actually commanded in scripture to intentionally build each other up, so that we can go out into the world and do some good work in the name of Jesus.
Why do we so often stay silent or miss opportunities to encourage each other? It’s probably a combination of being too busy and being wrapped up in what’s going on in our own lives. We need silence and solitude to be a good friend.
This is when my thoughts are more likely to turn to other people and away from the demands of my everyday life. It probably has a lot to do with some nudges from the Holy Spirit to care for the needs of others. What an amazing gift that we have as believers.
2. Your Friends Matter
“Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”
1 Corinthians 15:33
The Apostle Paul is talking about how believers in the Corinthian church had adopted false beliefs because of the people they spent their time with. Does this mean that we should only spend time with the people who think exactly as we do and agree with everything we say?
No, in fact, I think there are so many benefits to interacting with people who look, think, and act differently than you do. It’s healthy and strengthens our own convictions when we put them up against differing opinions. It also leaves room for us to re-evaluate if we are actually correct in our thinking. So what does Paul mean?
First, let’s acknowledge that the people we spend the most time with are the ones who shape who we will become. If your five closest friends don’t have the qualities that you desire to see in yourself, you probably need some new friends.
For Christians, we need deep, genuine friendships in the faith for us to successfully follow Jesus. There’s no other option. If you want to excel at CrossFit, you better be part of a healthy and strong CrossFit community.
To stay on course with following Jesus, you need a strong Christian community. If I want to stick to my Biblical convictions and become a person of love formed by the person of Jesus, I need people right alongside me who are doing the same. I need people who will point me back to the truth of scripture.
3. There’s No Cancel Culture For People Who Follow Jesus
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Colossians 3:13
Paul starts with our identities before he gives us instructions for how we relate to other people (which is a theme throughout the Bible.) He says that we have been selected by God, that we are dearly loved, and that we should be a people marked by compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Our identity + our responsibility.
Here it comes. He says to “bear with each other.” That means we are going to have to offer patience and grace regularly as we disappoint and hurt one another. Any meaningful relationship will hit a point where there has been a wrong word or action committed against the other person. At that point, we have a fork in the road. Do we walk away from this relationship? Do we keep the hurt to ourselves and never bring it up, even when we feel like it has affected our trust and belief in this person?
In my experience, there are two healthy options:
- If it’s something small that can be overlooked without a conversation and the relationship is unaffected, then do that.
2. Have a conversation. Express the hurt that was felt and your desire to keep this a relationship where both people can be honest and genuine. Make this a friendship where it’s ok for everything to not be ok. Keep this is a safe place where the other person can also express when they may have been hurt or disappointed by you.
If we never communicate I think we’ll end up surrounded by superficial relationships that won’t stand against the difficulties of life. We’ll be in a merry-go-round of friend exchanges, dropping people off as they disappoint us and picking up new friends, only to repeat the same cycle over and over again.
Special Note: Sometimes we need to walk away from a friendship and it’s the right call. Any presence of manipulation or abuse of any kind is grounds to end any type of relationship.
If you think that you may need to end a friendship or at least set up some boundaries, discuss it in community with people you trust who love Jesus and love you.
4. We Need Friends (Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10)
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
We were built for community. It can be messy, hard, and complicated, but it’s also the best way for us to flourish, grow, and demonstrate the love of Jesus. It’s how we get to develop the fruits of the Spirit in our life. Nothing will grow your patience like living in close proximity with other humans. (And nothing will grow other people’s patience like doing life with you!)
A good return on their labor means that we can always accomplish more together than we can alone. This reminds us of Paul talking about how the body of Christ works together in 1 Corinthians 12. We all have unique gifts and an integral role in the community of God, which is exercised through our participation in our local church families.
But verse 10 is where it starts to get real. The role of a friend is not only to create a better chance of succeeding, but to help you through difficult times. There are friends who show up when things are tough. They’re the ones who call you, check in on you, and show up at your door with some food or hug when you need it. When you’re a mess, they don’t shy away or pull back, they lean in.
Why do we fail to show up for people when they’re in the middle of their mess? Here are a few reasons:
We Don’t Know What To Do, So We Do Nothing
This is relatable, but maybe not a valid reason. It may be rooted in insecurity and self-doubt in some ways, like we’re afraid we’ll offend someone if we care for them in the wrong way, or say the wrong words, even when we have good intentions. I always try to remind people when they feel paralyzed that God cares about our intentions and the heart behind everything we do.
We Don’t Make The Time
Part of this goes back to what I said earlier. If we have no margin in our days, we don’t have time to contemplate the best way to love and care for other people. We may have a fleeting thought of something that would be a good idea, then it disappears somewhere between wrangling kiddos and walking into work. Here are a few tips:
- Put a reminder in your phone to check in, call, or text someone when they come to mind.
- If your thoughts wander to a friend who could use some encouragement, pause what you’re doing and reach out to them right away.
Let’s not forget that the Holy Spirit is the One who oftentimes brings people to mind or stirs up ways for us to care for others. Being too busy for others may mean we’re too busy to listen to God.
So if you haven’t already, add “be present and intentional during the worst days” to you job description as a friend. It matters to God.
Let’s Reflect
I never want this to be a community that just consumes information without any life change. Here are some reflection questions and action steps based on today’s post:
1. Are you known for being a person that encourages others? How can you improve your ability to build others up this week? Thank a friend who consistently encourages you.
2. Reflect on your 5 closest friends. Do they have the values and vision for your life that you do? Discuss your vision and values with your friends.
3. Is there a friendship you ended that needs reconciled? Is there a hurt or disappointment that needs communicated to someone in order to keep the relationship healthy moving forward?
4. Are you currently pursuing intentional friendships and community? If not, what could be your next step to do so?
I hope this resource was helpful. Deep, intentional, meaningful friendships can change the world. I pray these words inspire you to step out and build relationships that matter.
For another resource to evaluate and prioritize your relationships, check out my blog post on building a vision for your year and download your FREE YEARLY VISION TEMPLATE HERE.
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